When Your Child Is Struggling and You Don’t Know How to Help

Understanding the behaviour beneath the behaviour

This fictionalised case study brings together common experiences shared by parents and families in my therapy sessions. It is not based on one individual client, but reflects themes that often emerge in my work as a therapist supporting both young people and their parents.

When Amara first contacted me, she wasn’t looking for help for herself. She was worried about her 15 year old daughter.

Amara described feeling exhausted, anxious, and increasingly helpless. Her daughter was spending more time alone in her room, avoiding friends, becoming emotional over small things, and struggling to get to school. Every conversation seemed to end in frustration. The more Amara tried to understand what was happening, the more her daughter withdrew.

In our early sessions, what stood out was how quickly concern had turned into a cycle of pressure and disconnection, something I often see in my work with families who are trying very hard, but feel they are losing access to their child.

Therapy takeaway: Look beyond avoidance

One of the first things we explored together was that what looked like avoidance might actually be anxiety.

Anxiety does not always look like worry. In young people, it can show up as irritability, perfectionism, tiredness, procrastination, school refusal, or emotional shutdown. When anxiety is high, even simple demands can feel overwhelming.

In my sessions with parents, I often encourage a shift in perspective from “Why are they avoiding?” to “What might feel too overwhelming right now?”

Try asking: What might this behaviour be communicating?

Therapy takeaway: Withdrawal can be a search for safety

Amara was increasingly worried about how much time her daughter spent in her bedroom. But as we explored this together, it became clearer that her bedroom may have become the place where she felt safest.

When the outside world feels demanding, unpredictable, or emotionally overwhelming, withdrawal can be a way of regulating distress. It does not necessarily mean a young person does not want connection.

In my work, I often find that withdrawal is less about rejection and more about recovery.

Try noticing: When does your child seem most likely to withdraw? What might be happening around those times?

Therapy takeaway: Rest is not always laziness

We also explored why Amara’s daughter was spending so much time in bed. While this can understandably cause concern, it may reflect emotional exhaustion rather than lack of motivation.

For some young people, sleep offers relief from internal pressure. For others, getting up can feel too difficult when anxiety or low mood is taking up so much emotional energy.

This is something I often reflect back to parents in sessions, because what looks like inactivity can sometimes be overload.

Try considering: Could they be overwhelmed, rather than unwilling?

Therapy takeaway: Ask what the behaviour is doing for them

Amara was frustrated by how much time her daughter spent on her phone. While this can understandably create tension at home, we slowed this down in our sessions and looked at what function it might be serving.

For many young people I work with, scrolling provides distraction, emotional numbing, or connection when real-world interaction feels too difficult.

Understanding this does not remove the need for boundaries, but it changes how we approach them, from control to curiosity.

Try asking: What need is this behaviour meeting?

Therapy takeaway: Reduce pressure to make space for communication

Amara began to notice that many of her conversations started from a place of care, but unintentionally created pressure.

Questions like “What’s wrong?” or “Why won’t you talk to me?” were often asked at the exact moment her daughter had the least capacity to respond.

In our sessions, we worked on shifting towards softer, lower-demand connection. Simple statements instead of questions.

“You seem like you’ve had a really difficult day.”

“I’m here if you want me, you don’t have to talk right now.”

This is something I often support parents with, because timing and tone can change everything.

Therapy takeaway: Connection does not need to be a big conversation

We also explored connection without expectation. Sitting together watching TV, sharing a drink, short car journeys, or eating a meal without trying to fix anything.

These moments can feel small, but in my experience they are often where safety is rebuilt.

It is not about doing more. It is about being alongside without demand.

Try offering connection without an agenda. Being present can be more powerful than finding the right words.

Therapy takeaway: Notice patterns, not just incidents

Amara began to notice patterns her daughter’s mood dipped on Sunday evenings, before tests, and after busy social weekends.

In our work together, this helped shift responses from reactive to anticipatory. It created more empathy and less frustration.

This is often a turning point in therapy, when behaviour starts to make sense in context rather than feeling random.

Try looking for patterns: Are there particular times, places, or situations that seem harder?

Perhaps the biggest change was not in Amara’s daughter, but in Amara herself. Through our sessions, she began to step back from seeing every withdrawn behaviour as something to fix immediately, and started to see it as communication.

Beneath the silence was not a teenager who did not care, but a young person who felt overwhelmed and did not yet have the words to explain it.

When a young person withdraws, I often encourage parents to look beyond the behaviour and ask what it might be communicating. What appears to be laziness, avoidance, or attitude can sometimes be a young person quietly telling us they are struggling.

Parents do not need perfect responses. In my work, I often see that what makes the most difference is calm, consistent presence, and the reassurance that their child does not have to navigate their struggles alone.