It’s Your Agenda
Counselling for Young People, Adults, Parents and Caregivers
tel: +07349 158 891
From the outside, self harm can be frightening and difficult to understand. From the inside, it can feel like the only thing that turns the volume down.
This article is written with young people in mind. It is about what may sit underneath self harm, what helped one young person in therapy, and what you can try when the urge feels bigger than you.
I am not doing this to be difficult. I am not trying to shock you. And I may not be able to tell you exactly why I am doing it.
Sometimes everything builds up until I feel full of noise. Sometimes I feel angry, ashamed, panicked or completely numb. Self harm can create a brief sense of release or control when I do not know what else to do with what I am feeling.
That relief does not last. Afterwards there can be fear, guilt and the worry that someone will find out. Then the feelings build again. That is how a coping strategy can become a cycle.
If you are in that cycle, it does not mean this is the only way you will ever cope. It means you need more ways to carry what is happening inside.
Mia is 16. She is bright, thoughtful and good at looking as though she is coping. When we began working together, however, she felt overwhelmed much of the time.
School pressure, friendships, family tension and the feeling that she was never quite enough had built up quietly. When everything became unbearable, she described self harm as giving her a few moments where the emotional pain seemed to stop shouting.
She did not want to die. She wanted the feeling to stop. But she was terrified of telling anyone because she expected judgement, panic or disappointment.
We began by making the room somewhere Mia did not have to perform. I did not ask her to justify herself or make promises she was not ready to make. Instead, we became curious about what happened before the urge, what she noticed in her body and what she needed in those moments.
At first, even finding the right words felt like another pressure. So we made it easier. When Mia could not identify an emotion, we used colours instead and gradually attached feelings to them. A colour could mean anxious, angry, numb, frightened or overwhelmed. There was no need to get it “right”.
Together, we built a safety plan and a small toolbox she could reach for when the urge rose. Nothing was presented as a magic fix. The aim was to create a pause, lower the intensity and help her get through the moment safely.
Through our talking together, Mia began to understand that self harm had become a way of trying to feel in control when everything around her felt like a whirlwind.
Talking did not make those pressures disappear, but it helped slow the whirlwind. In a safe space with someone unconnected to school, friends or family, Mia could say her fears out loud, hear herself think and share things she had been carrying alone.
Slowly, and at her own pace, she began working out what helped her feel more in control without hurting herself. My role was not to hand her a list of answers, but to stay alongside her while she noticed what she needed and tried safer ways of coping.
You do not have to do all of these. The goal is to get through the next few minutes safely and give the feeling time to change.
1. Change the channel completely
Put on a show that can completely pull you in, or listen to music you know well. The idea is to interrupt the loop and give your brain something different to focus on.
2. Change where you are
Move to a shared or safer space. Sit near someone, go downstairs, step outside or be somewhere you are less alone with the urge.
3. Get it out another way
Write the uncensored version in a notebook, type it in your phone, draw it, scribble it or record a voice note. It does not have to make sense.
4. Bring your body down
Slow your breathing, splash cool water on your face, take a shower, wrap yourself in a blanket or take a steady walk. Help your body come down from high alert.
5. Send the smallest message
You do not need to explain everything. Text someone: “I’m having a bad moment. Can you stay with me?”
6. Open your safety box
Keep your safety plan and contact numbers, headphones, a comforting photo or letter, a grounding object, a notebook and reminders of people, places or things that matter to you.
You might not be ready to sit opposite someone and tell them the whole story. That is okay.
You can start with one sentence. You can write it down. You can talk while walking. You can say, “I don’t know how to explain this, but I’m not coping.”
In counselling, the aim is not to punish, shame or take control away from you. It is to understand what the self harm is helping you survive and help you build other ways of coping that do not leave you hurt afterwards.
A space without judgement
We can begin with what is happening for you, rather than reducing you to the self harm or asking you to explain everything immediately.
Understand what sits underneath
Together we can notice the feelings, pressures and situations that build before the urge, so the behaviour begins to make more sense.
Find words when words are difficult
Talking is not the only starting point. We can use simple ways of noticing and communicating what is happening when emotions feel hard to name.
Build safer ways of coping
We can explore what genuinely helps you create a pause, lower the intensity and regain a sense of control without hurting yourself.
Work at your pace
My role is not to hand you a list of answers. I stay alongside you while you work out what you need and what feels possible.
See more than the behaviour
Self harm may be the part other people can see. Counselling gives space to the rest of your story too.
Please do not stay alone with it. Tell a trusted adult, parent, teacher, school counsellor, GP or someone else you trust. If speaking feels impossible, show them a message or this article.
If you have already injured yourself, get medical help. If you feel you may seriously harm yourself, cannot keep yourself safe or your life is at risk, call 999 or go to A&E.
In the UK, Samaritans are available free on 116 123 at any time, and Childline on 0800 1111 if you are under 19. In Hertfordshire, adults aged 18+ can contact the Nightlight Crisis Helpline on 01923 256391 from 7pm to 1am every day. For 24/7 urgent mental health support, call NHS 111 and select the mental health option.
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